Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Just some rantings after watching Schindler's List.

Got the Schindler's List DVD a few days ago.

[Image source: http://www.cheznorfolk.com/top-10-movies-of-all-the-time/]


We watched it this afternoon...

It made me so furious at the Nazis.

People got killed for no rhyme or reason. Millions of them. Old people, men, women, and even children. Shot dead as entertainment for the soldiers, gassed, starved, worked to death as slaves... etc.

[Image source: http://www.kosherdelight.com/GermanyJewishHistoryAndHolocaust.shtml]


It was only because someone decided that he hated the Jews for doing so well in his country (while he didn't do so well). He forgot the fact that he wasn't from that country too. He came from somewhere else, just like them! And then there were the race and religion issues as well. Any reason he could find to rally support from the people who were already very unhappy due to the economy... just so he could pursue his political agenda and fulfill his great plans for Germany. He gave them "a reason" for their suffering and their failure, something a lot of people like to do - point their fingers at something/someone else when they fail to do well. Shirking responsibility and enabling them to feel better about themselves.

The Jews became the scapegoat for some people's failure. They became the "reason" for their unhappiness and anger. In fact, did the Jews cause those people's unhappiness and anger? No. Those people did that to themselves. They allowed themselves to become like that, to feel that way.

And the Jews suffered for it. Not because they did anything wrong. Just because they did too well in life and because they had a different race and religion.

It reminded us of the current political atmosphere in this country.

People hating foreigners because they came to "snatch our jobs", or like what they say, to "snatch their places in this country, their country".

Then, some so-called "politicians" play this up, fanning the anger and unhappiness among the people to their own benefit. This is not a unique situation in this country. I know in many other places, the same thing is happening as well.

[Image source: http://maleysbhoys.com/]


Why have people become so intolerant? Is it really because there are more and more people around, and it's getting too crowded?

Or have societies become too self-centred, selfish and mean? What happened?

Did our advancement cause that? Did TV shows, songs and games cause that?

There isn't any straightforward answer to that, isn't it?

Are we slowly going down the path of destruction? Just like how civilisations in history rose and fell?

I shudder at the thought of a World War III. If the people in the past were that cruel and evil when they were in a war, imagine how the people NOW would be like during wartime?

Who is to say that wouldn't happen at all? Look at all the volatile relationships between nations. Look at the citizens around the world... protesting, demanding, destroying and complaining. Never contented, always unhappy, perpetually mad at this world.

There are more and more campaigns calling for people to be kinder to others, to see the good in people... and to spread the kindness. I really hope those campaigns would catch on eventually.

I would really hate to see the kind of atrocities from WW1/WW2 happening to us. Singapore wouldn't survive for long. By then, maybe we might even be annihilated. There are after all, only a few millions of us. Perhaps even lesser than the amount of lives lost in WW2?

If only more people can see through the so-called politicians' selfish agenda and be more accepting of reasoning...

If only we can all have bigger hearts.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

欲言又止...

These few days I've been wanting to write about some stuff. Political stuff to be exact.

However, I don't want to get worked up over it. I know once I start writing, I'll just end up feeling so disgusted, disappointed and sad.

So it's just drafts, and thoughts running through my head.

I think I will leave it as that... for now.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The guilt

Ever since we got married and I've been staying over at his place more than my own home... I've been plagued by a strong sense of guilt.

I feel like I've abandoned my mother. And every time I think about this, tears will well up in my eyes...

Yet when I go back and stay over, I feel like there is no difference with my presence. I also tend to do my own things instead of spending time with her - just like how it was before I "moved out". I tend to take it for granted when I stay over.

If I just go back dinner, I will put in more effort in spending time with her... Even if it's just watching TV programmes with her.

It's not easy to switch habits between both homes too. And waking hours for work. I can't possibly have two exact sets of facial products at both places as well. Some are just too expensive.

I feel extremely torn about this situation. My father's unreasonable behaviour towards her doesn't help either. I keep hoping I'll get my home soon... So I can provide her with a safe haven if she needs one.

This, coupled with my serious lack of work satisfaction...

Money issue too. I want to give more to my mother so she doesn't have to worry about it 'cause my father is not helping. I want to earn more. I need a new job.

I feel so tired and bogged down. Like I've fallen into a thick swamp and trying to stay afloat...

That is why I am making changes to my life and commitments. With the changes, I will set off in a different direction that may help me achieve my goals.

I want more...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more"
[Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid]
I've been very frustrated and unhappy.

I've avoided thinking about the triggers and causes. Or just didn't have time to think about them.

But yesterday, I thought it through while showering.

I used to write a lot. In fact, I wrote almost every day from 2002 to 2007. I was a very active "blogger".

My posts were mostly ranting and writings about my daily mundane life. But I wrote.

And I read a lot.

But, I don't know why, I gradually stopped writing... and reading (actually just books, I still read a lot of online stuff). Perhaps I write better/only have the mood to write when I am emotionally down. Perhaps it's 'cause life has been very kind to me for the past few years... so much so I had nothing to rant about.

Perhaps it is because I was really busy juggling studies and work. The fact that I had to write a lot during my course of study also turned me off from writing for quite some time. Then came the wedding, honeymoon and graduation. I got lazy.

Perhaps it's all the social media I got into - Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook. All my thoughts became small updates. I no longer had anything "substantial" to write about.

I subscribe to many blog feeds as well. And for a long time, I always made it a point to try to read through all the feeds every day after work.

I had too much on my plate to maintain my blogging/writing habit.

But I guess, it's time take a step back and look at the path I'm taking...

I need to set out on a new path.

I'm going nowhere in this path that I'm on. The path is just a big circle.

It leads me back to square one. This is not just in terms of my personal "commitments".

This is about my work as well. I took it up as it was the only job offer after 6 months of depressing search. I was taking a risk and making a big career switch. Nobody wanted to give me a chance 'cept for this company. I was and still remain really grateful.

The people have been great. The freedom and culture of the workplace are really wonderful as well.

But I want more.

I feel like I'm... losing all my potential. Confidence level is at an all-time low. I thought I could just stick to a mundane job that requires very little socialising, because I'm not a sociable person. But, I was so wrong.

My "career" before this switch, has always been a "social" one. Just not mainly with adults. But I built relationships with many people. Kids, parents, co-workers, bosses, etc. I failed to see that. I've always been a "sociable" person. Just not in the way I think how a sociable person should be like. Thus, I limited my job search to desk-bound jobs when I was making that switch.

My lunch time diet has set me out on a wrong foot in this company. My social life at this place is almost non-existent. I thought that would make me glad. It did not. I crave and need interactions.
Whatever potential God has given me, I'm wasting it. This has got to stop.

I really want a new job with more challenges and higher pay. Our home is building fast, my pay right now, for a graduate, is really low. I have to be realistic and practical. This is life.

I want to utilise my fullest potential. All that I have learnt. All that I COULD DO. I've suppressed myself, prevented myself from achieving more because of Fear. As I grow older, I realise, what I once feared, are just self-created barriers.

I've always felt caged up, somehow.

Deep down, I know I want to fly.

Now, I am prepared to take the leap of faith.

I believe if I actively seek for a chance... I will eventually get it.

I'm ready for more.

No more dilly-dallying. No more holding back.

I'm ready to take on the world. I have so much more to learn and give to this world.

Time to get my priorities right. Improve myself and learn new things like what I had planned to do after my wedding... and to stop wasting potential.