I want more...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more"
[Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid]

I've been very frustrated and unhappy.

I've avoided thinking about the triggers and causes. Or just didn't have time to think about them.

But yesterday, I thought it through while showering.

I used to write a lot. In fact, I wrote almost every day from 2002 to 2007. I was a very active "blogger".

My posts were mostly ranting and writings about my daily mundane life. But I wrote.

And I read a lot.

But, I don't know why, I gradually stopped writing... and reading (actually just books, I still read a lot of online stuff). Perhaps I write better/only have the mood to write when I am emotionally down. Perhaps it's 'cause life has been very kind to me for the past few years... so much so I had nothing to rant about.

Perhaps it is because I was really busy juggling studies and work. The fact that I had to write a lot during my course of study also turned me off from writing for quite some time. Then came the wedding, honeymoon and graduation. I got lazy.

Perhaps it's all the social media I got into - Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook. All my thoughts became small updates. I no longer had anything "substantial" to write about.

I subscribe to many blog feeds as well. And for a long time, I always made it a point to try to read through all the feeds every day after work.

I had too much on my plate to maintain my blogging/writing habit.

But I guess, it's time take a step back and look at the path I'm taking...

I need to set out on a new path.

I'm going nowhere in this path that I'm on. The path is just a big circle.

It leads me back to square one. This is not just in terms of my personal "commitments".

This is about my work as well. I took it up as it was the only job offer after 6 months of depressing search. I was taking a risk and making a big career switch. Nobody wanted to give me a chance 'cept for this company. I was and still remain really grateful.

The people have been great. The freedom and culture of the workplace are really wonderful as well.

But I want more.

I feel like I'm... losing all my potential. Confidence level is at an all-time low. I thought I could just stick to a mundane job that requires very little socialising, because I'm not a sociable person. But, I was so wrong.

My "career" before this switch, has always been a "social" one. Just not mainly with adults. But I built relationships with many people. Kids, parents, co-workers, bosses, etc. I failed to see that. I've always been a "sociable" person. Just not in the way I think how a sociable person should be like. Thus, I limited my job search to desk-bound jobs when I was making that switch.

My lunch time diet has set me out on a wrong foot in this company. My social life at this place is almost non-existent. I thought that would make me glad. It did not. I crave and need interactions.
Whatever potential God has given me, I'm wasting it. This has got to stop.

I really want a new job with more challenges and higher pay. Our home is building fast, my pay right now, for a graduate, is really low. I have to be realistic and practical. This is life.

I want to utilise my fullest potential. All that I have learnt. All that I COULD DO. I've suppressed myself, prevented myself from achieving more because of Fear. As I grow older, I realise, what I once feared, are just self-created barriers.

I've always felt caged up, somehow.

Deep down, I know I want to fly.

Now, I am prepared to take the leap of faith.

I believe if I actively seek for a chance... I will eventually get it.

I'm ready for more.

No more dilly-dallying. No more holding back.

I'm ready to take on the world. I have so much more to learn and give to this world.

Time to get my priorities right. Improve myself and learn new things like what I had planned to do after my wedding... and to stop wasting potential.