Short-term goals

I was feeling really upset just now.

I think it was out of frustration.

My Sims character is currently pregnant. My bad, because I made them try for a baby... not knowing it's a "guaranteed deal". Thought it would take at least a few tries.

Well, only the husband Sims is working now. Take home pay is $40/hour. The shower was stolen by a burglar. Had to build a room for the baby... buy a cot, high chair and books on pregnancy.

All that cost so much now my Sims are almost broke.

It reminded me of reality.

I felt that everything was out of my control. As much as I am doing my best, I can't seem to catch up with the natural progression of life.

He wants a baby, in real life. I used to want a baby when I was much younger. But right now? No.

Why not?

1. Our home is not ready yet and when it's ready, we need money for furniture and renovation.
2. We're not earning enough yet. I want to be able to provide a decent sum of money for my mother before I even think about having a baby.
3. He's not ready in my opinion.
4. I am not ready.
5. I am not confident I can be a good mother.
6. I want my freedom, as selfish as this may sound. I still want to travel to countries I've never been before... 
7. I want to get into a new job and settle down in it comfortably.
8. It's a huge commitment and it's for life. 24/7. It's going to be tiring.

And there are so many more considerations that we have to think about.

That will have to take the backseat for now. 

I just want to fulfill my short-term goals for now.

• Get a new job and settle in it.
• Exercise more and join a marathon.
• Learn a new skill or take up a new course.

I will achieve these goals within these two years. I must.

The SIMS 3

[Source: http://sims.wikia.com/wiki/The_Sims_3]

The hubby and I got the game last weekend. We talked about it before, but I was not very keen as I think it's a very addictive game. Addictive games take away too much of your time. However, it was selling at a low price at the game shop we were in... so we decided to get it. :P

Just like how I felt when I started the Facebook version of The Sims (a long time back)... I was very frustrated at first. The characters were always hungry, tired or urgently needed to pee. I got them into jobs too soon as well and had no time to develop their relationship.

Through that, we kinda realised... isn't that like what real life is about for a lot of people? Or couples to be exact.

Everyone's so busy with work, with their own needs... there's little time left to maintain or develop relationships.

I made the characters quit their jobs. Coordinated the fulfilment of their needs and got them to spend time together. :D

Now they are happily married!

I haven't figured out how to get the photos I've taken in the game... if not I would post them here. Haha...

Anyway, if only real life is as easy as the game in terms of surviving without a job... endless supply of food in the fridge... and life is all about maintaining the home, relationship and your personal interests. And if you want to work, you can always start low at a company that you really want to work at and advance your career from there...

That would be so perfect.

A repost from Facebook...

I don't understand why some people would go to the extent of threatening her... however each person lives his/her life, it's his/her choice when it doesn't harm anyone at all, right?

We're all born differently... let's just put aside religious views and see it at face value. If she's just born this way, why can't she choose to be this way instead of being unhappy her whole life?

Let's not go into the argument of kids not being able to make such decisions at that young age.

What's most important is that they are happy, comfortable with who they are and are loved for who they are. We're not them, we will never understand how it feels like to feel the way they feel.

That's all for this topic.

Staying positive

I had a good week in terms of my ability to stay positive.

Then things took a nosedive on Saturday.

Slept late and woke up early. Did some washing (of clothes)... Went out shopping and started to get really grumpy because of the tiredness and hunger ('cause I ate early)... And my PMS is most probably here by now. Or it's starting at least.

Then my mood got better after I got the dress and had some good food and chocolate.

Come Sunday... I had to wake up early again so I can take my clothes out to sun as it was rainy on Saturday. This is so that we can change our bed sheet and covers as well. Only when my clothes dry... will I have the space to wash the sheets and hang them...

So while waiting for my clothes to sun, and for him to come home... I decided to change the sheets myself.

Tough job. Mattress was so heavy... my back started to feel weird. Finished it nonetheless and washed it.

Then after he came back with lunch and I ate it... It was just a tiring day of chores and more chores.

Cleaned the cupboard space for our sheets, washed my dresses... Took the sheets out to dry...

This took a toll on me not just physically but mentally as well.

Adding on to it is my PMS.

Negativity showed its horns. Past two day... I'd get annoyed very easily.

Why did I write this? To spill it all out and concentrate on positivity.

Once this is out, I forget those unhappy feelings and remain posivity

P.S.: Wrote this in a half-asleep state (especially the last few sentences). LOL.  Decided not to edit the grammar mistakes and just post it as it is. :)

Ideals.

Yesterday, he asked me what would I want to do if money is out of the picture, if money is not an issue.

We listened to this video in which an old man was saying that it is stupid to work for money our entire life and to teach our children the same way of living. I agree. I agree with that wholeheartedly.

However, as much as I wanna pursue that idealistic way of living (of being in a "job" because of passion and not money)... I cannot.

I have my responsibilities to take care of. My parents. Our home. And my parents, they are getting old... fast. I want to let them live comfortably...

So as much as I hate to work for money, I have to. Unless I find a job that I really enjoy a lot and yet earn enough money to fulfill my duties and to live a comfortable life.

For most people, to be able to find that kind of job... is like being able to strike lottery. The chances are really low.

I'm on the lookout. Crossing my fingers.

Ok, back to his question. For a moment I didn't know how or what to answer him.

Then he said he would like to write a book. That reminded me of what I like to do.

If money is not an issue, and I have zero responsibilities to take care of.... I will:

• Make handicrafts to sell - bags, pouches, toys, etc.
• Paint (even though I'm nowhere at the professional level)
• Take a risk and open a shop 

I will also learn more languages. 

The rat race is not for me. So if I can, I will take any chance to get out of it and do things that I love.

Yet, reality and ideals often cannot meet/match-up.

I will however, do my best in reality and slowly work my way to achieve my ideals? :P

10 years, I am giving myself 10 years. It will never be too late to fulfill my wishes/goals. As long as I am able to do so in this lifetime, I'll be satisfied with my life.

Things will start to look up really soon.

We're kinda stuck in a rut now. But I'm sure things will start to get better soon. Because as cliché as this may be, when you hit rock bottom, the only way it can go is upward.
Have faith. Believe.

I want more...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more"
[Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid]

I've been very frustrated and unhappy.

I've avoided thinking about the triggers and causes. Or just didn't have time to think about them.

But yesterday, I thought it through while showering.

I used to write a lot. In fact, I wrote almost every day from 2002 to 2007. I was a very active "blogger".

My posts were mostly ranting and writings about my daily mundane life. But I wrote.

And I read a lot.

But, I don't know why, I gradually stopped writing... and reading (actually just books, I still read a lot of online stuff). Perhaps I write better/only have the mood to write when I am emotionally down. Perhaps it's 'cause life has been very kind to me for the past few years... so much so I had nothing to rant about.

Perhaps it is because I was really busy juggling studies and work. The fact that I had to write a lot during my course of study also turned me off from writing for quite some time. Then came the wedding, honeymoon and graduation. I got lazy.

Perhaps it's all the social media I got into - Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook. All my thoughts became small updates. I no longer had anything "substantial" to write about.

I subscribe to many blog feeds as well. And for a long time, I always made it a point to try to read through all the feeds every day after work.

I had too much on my plate to maintain my blogging/writing habit.

But I guess, it's time take a step back and look at the path I'm taking...

I need to set out on a new path.

I'm going nowhere in this path that I'm on. The path is just a big circle.

It leads me back to square one. This is not just in terms of my personal "commitments".

This is about my work as well. I took it up as it was the only job offer after 6 months of depressing search. I was taking a risk and making a big career switch. Nobody wanted to give me a chance 'cept for this company. I was and still remain really grateful.

The people have been great. The freedom and culture of the workplace are really wonderful as well.

But I want more.

I feel like I'm... losing all my potential. Confidence level is at an all-time low. I thought I could just stick to a mundane job that requires very little socialising, because I'm not a sociable person. But, I was so wrong.

My "career" before this switch, has always been a "social" one. Just not mainly with adults. But I built relationships with many people. Kids, parents, co-workers, bosses, etc. I failed to see that. I've always been a "sociable" person. Just not in the way I think how a sociable person should be like. Thus, I limited my job search to desk-bound jobs when I was making that switch.

My lunch time diet has set me out on a wrong foot in this company. My social life at this place is almost non-existent. I thought that would make me glad. It did not. I crave and need interactions.
Whatever potential God has given me, I'm wasting it. This has got to stop.

I really want a new job with more challenges and higher pay. Our home is building fast, my pay right now, for a graduate, is really low. I have to be realistic and practical. This is life.

I want to utilise my fullest potential. All that I have learnt. All that I COULD DO. I've suppressed myself, prevented myself from achieving more because of Fear. As I grow older, I realise, what I once feared, are just self-created barriers.

I've always felt caged up, somehow.

Deep down, I know I want to fly.

Now, I am prepared to take the leap of faith.

I believe if I actively seek for a chance... I will eventually get it.

I'm ready for more.

No more dilly-dallying. No more holding back.

I'm ready to take on the world. I have so much more to learn and give to this world.

Time to get my priorities right. Improve myself and learn new things like what I had planned to do after my wedding... and to stop wasting potential.