Atrocities happening in certain countries

I think it's all about the education and societal values in a country.

If men are brought up to know rape is wrong and to respect women, those atrocities will almost not happen at all.

It's not abt modernisation or the clothes women are wearing. It's the education and moral values, or the lack of, of the men that cause or "prevent" rape. Period.

It's Christmas!

Lesson to be learnt for this Christmas... Don't be a glutton and over-eat!

I am so full I just want to puke everything out of my stomach. Ugh! :(

Staying positive

I had a good week in terms of my ability to stay positive.

Then things took a nosedive on Saturday.

Slept late and woke up early. Did some washing (of clothes)... Went out shopping and started to get really grumpy because of the tiredness and hunger ('cause I ate early)... And my PMS is most probably here by now. Or it's starting at least.

Then my mood got better after I got the dress and had some good food and chocolate.

Come Sunday... I had to wake up early again so I can take my clothes out to sun as it was rainy on Saturday. This is so that we can change our bed sheet and covers as well. Only when my clothes dry... will I have the space to wash the sheets and hang them...

So while waiting for my clothes to sun, and for him to come home... I decided to change the sheets myself.

Tough job. Mattress was so heavy... my back started to feel weird. Finished it nonetheless and washed it.

Then after he came back with lunch and I ate it... It was just a tiring day of chores and more chores.

Cleaned the cupboard space for our sheets, washed my dresses... Took the sheets out to dry...

This took a toll on me not just physically but mentally as well.

Adding on to it is my PMS.

Negativity showed its horns. Past two day... I'd get annoyed very easily.

Why did I write this? To spill it all out and concentrate on positivity.

Once this is out, I forget those unhappy feelings and remain posivity

P.S.: Wrote this in a half-asleep state (especially the last few sentences). LOL.  Decided not to edit the grammar mistakes and just post it as it is. :)

欲言又止...

These few days I've been wanting to write about some stuff. Political stuff to be exact.

However, I don't want to get worked up over it. I know once I start writing, I'll just end up feeling so disgusted, disappointed and sad.

So it's just drafts, and thoughts running through my head.

I think I will leave it as that... for now.

Love-hate relationship

I am planning to cut my hair tomorrow.

Saw my ponytail in the mirror and kinda started to "miss" it.

Then, I had to shower and wash my hair.

Bye bye, long hair.

I know I am going to miss you eventually... But I will at least enjoy a period of time that is free from all the annoying inconveniences and troubles of having waist-length hair.

That thought just makes me so happy and relieved. Cannot wait! :)

Ungratifying.

I think so far, I haven't really had a tremendously gratifying job. I haven't felt any job satisfaction in a long time. The last time I felt any was when I was still teaching at a childcare centre. When the toddlers I took care of, learnt new skills or improved on their skills (or were just happy with what they were doing). Back then, I would feel so proud of their little achievements and milestones. I was so glad I was one of the people who helped to develop them holistically.

After I left the job... I don't recall being proud of my work or feeling any satisfaction or appreciation for whatever I have done. It's not that I didn't put my 100% into what I do/did. It's just that... I never had the chance to utilise my fullest potential. The things I have been doing or were doing... were/are far below what I am capable of doing. I'm not saying I'm so-damn-good. I'm saying, I've been under-utilised.

I feel so unappreciated as well. No matter how hard I work, nobody will acknowledge my effort, or recognise my untapped potential.

It's extremely demoralising.

That's why I want to get out of this rut. I want to be in a job where I can reach for the "stars" and see how far I can go. I want a place where they will recognise effort, talent and achievements in what we do, can do, and help to develop us. Just like how I helped to develop the kids in their skills. Wouldn't they feel a sense of achievement too when they coach and develop others?

Sigh.

The next place will be such a place. It will be.

Ideals.

Yesterday, he asked me what would I want to do if money is out of the picture, if money is not an issue.

We listened to this video in which an old man was saying that it is stupid to work for money our entire life and to teach our children the same way of living. I agree. I agree with that wholeheartedly.

However, as much as I wanna pursue that idealistic way of living (of being in a "job" because of passion and not money)... I cannot.

I have my responsibilities to take care of. My parents. Our home. And my parents, they are getting old... fast. I want to let them live comfortably...

So as much as I hate to work for money, I have to. Unless I find a job that I really enjoy a lot and yet earn enough money to fulfill my duties and to live a comfortable life.

For most people, to be able to find that kind of job... is like being able to strike lottery. The chances are really low.

I'm on the lookout. Crossing my fingers.

Ok, back to his question. For a moment I didn't know how or what to answer him.

Then he said he would like to write a book. That reminded me of what I like to do.

If money is not an issue, and I have zero responsibilities to take care of.... I will:

• Make handicrafts to sell - bags, pouches, toys, etc.
• Paint (even though I'm nowhere at the professional level)
• Take a risk and open a shop 

I will also learn more languages. 

The rat race is not for me. So if I can, I will take any chance to get out of it and do things that I love.

Yet, reality and ideals often cannot meet/match-up.

I will however, do my best in reality and slowly work my way to achieve my ideals? :P

10 years, I am giving myself 10 years. It will never be too late to fulfill my wishes/goals. As long as I am able to do so in this lifetime, I'll be satisfied with my life.

Things will start to look up really soon.

We're kinda stuck in a rut now. But I'm sure things will start to get better soon. Because as cliché as this may be, when you hit rock bottom, the only way it can go is upward.
Have faith. Believe.

To cut or not...

Been thinking about cutting my hair. I want to snip it to shoulder-length again, but sometimes when I look at pictures of girls with beautiful long hair.... I just wanna continue keeping it long.

So I've decided to make a list of pros and cons.

Keep my hair long:

Pros - womanly; can try different hairstyles if need be; feels good about self...


Cons - long hair sticking on wet skin is such a gross feeling; hair loss that is hard to clean up everyday; unhealthy ends; warm, troublesome, and takes very long to dry...



Cut it short:


Pros - lesser hair loss; lighter feeling; not so warm; hair dries at a faster rate; cut away unhealthy ends...


Cons - may regret it when I see beautiful long hair...

I think the answer is clear.

Anyway, my hair grows at such a fast rate even if I regret it, it will only take months before it's long again. 

Cut, it shall be!

The guilt

Ever since we got married and I've been staying over at his place more than my own home... I've been plagued by a strong sense of guilt.

I feel like I've abandoned my mother. And every time I think about this, tears will well up in my eyes...

Yet when I go back and stay over, I feel like there is no difference with my presence. I also tend to do my own things instead of spending time with her - just like how it was before I "moved out". I tend to take it for granted when I stay over.

If I just go back dinner, I will put in more effort in spending time with her... Even if it's just watching TV programmes with her.

It's not easy to switch habits between both homes too. And waking hours for work. I can't possibly have two exact sets of facial products at both places as well. Some are just too expensive.

I feel extremely torn about this situation. My father's unreasonable behaviour towards her doesn't help either. I keep hoping I'll get my home soon... So I can provide her with a safe haven if she needs one.

This, coupled with my serious lack of work satisfaction...

Money issue too. I want to give more to my mother so she doesn't have to worry about it 'cause my father is not helping. I want to earn more. I need a new job.

I feel so tired and bogged down. Like I've fallen into a thick swamp and trying to stay afloat...

That is why I am making changes to my life and commitments. With the changes, I will set off in a different direction that may help me achieve my goals.

The Horror.

I picked a really nice font type for this new blog. Using blogger's customisation options, I made the header, post, date/timestamps, etc all in that font type.

It looks great on macbook.

So imagine my horror when I realised that... all the words are actually in comic sans on my work laptop. Gosh.

Now, I need to rethink my options. Wouldn't want random strangers to stumble onto this blog thinking it's written by a 10-year-old girl or something.

First step.

The first step I am taking, to do more writing instead of frivolous reblogging and surfing, is to give up on my Tumblr. 

It's too time-consuming. Although it reflects on who I am, what I like and what are my interests, it does nothing more. It doesn't help me to write better. Sometimes it provides information about current affairs or trends. But I can read up on those things on the news and other websites too. 

The ratio of frivolities to serious stuff is like 10:1 anyway.

I won't give up on Twitter, but I'll definitely tweet lesser. I need it more for news and other updates.

As for Facebook... less updates too. 

Less reading on my Google Reader too. Maybe it's time to springclean my feeds as well. 

I want more...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more"
[Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid]

I've been very frustrated and unhappy.

I've avoided thinking about the triggers and causes. Or just didn't have time to think about them.

But yesterday, I thought it through while showering.

I used to write a lot. In fact, I wrote almost every day from 2002 to 2007. I was a very active "blogger".

My posts were mostly ranting and writings about my daily mundane life. But I wrote.

And I read a lot.

But, I don't know why, I gradually stopped writing... and reading (actually just books, I still read a lot of online stuff). Perhaps I write better/only have the mood to write when I am emotionally down. Perhaps it's 'cause life has been very kind to me for the past few years... so much so I had nothing to rant about.

Perhaps it is because I was really busy juggling studies and work. The fact that I had to write a lot during my course of study also turned me off from writing for quite some time. Then came the wedding, honeymoon and graduation. I got lazy.

Perhaps it's all the social media I got into - Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook. All my thoughts became small updates. I no longer had anything "substantial" to write about.

I subscribe to many blog feeds as well. And for a long time, I always made it a point to try to read through all the feeds every day after work.

I had too much on my plate to maintain my blogging/writing habit.

But I guess, it's time take a step back and look at the path I'm taking...

I need to set out on a new path.

I'm going nowhere in this path that I'm on. The path is just a big circle.

It leads me back to square one. This is not just in terms of my personal "commitments".

This is about my work as well. I took it up as it was the only job offer after 6 months of depressing search. I was taking a risk and making a big career switch. Nobody wanted to give me a chance 'cept for this company. I was and still remain really grateful.

The people have been great. The freedom and culture of the workplace are really wonderful as well.

But I want more.

I feel like I'm... losing all my potential. Confidence level is at an all-time low. I thought I could just stick to a mundane job that requires very little socialising, because I'm not a sociable person. But, I was so wrong.

My "career" before this switch, has always been a "social" one. Just not mainly with adults. But I built relationships with many people. Kids, parents, co-workers, bosses, etc. I failed to see that. I've always been a "sociable" person. Just not in the way I think how a sociable person should be like. Thus, I limited my job search to desk-bound jobs when I was making that switch.

My lunch time diet has set me out on a wrong foot in this company. My social life at this place is almost non-existent. I thought that would make me glad. It did not. I crave and need interactions.
Whatever potential God has given me, I'm wasting it. This has got to stop.

I really want a new job with more challenges and higher pay. Our home is building fast, my pay right now, for a graduate, is really low. I have to be realistic and practical. This is life.

I want to utilise my fullest potential. All that I have learnt. All that I COULD DO. I've suppressed myself, prevented myself from achieving more because of Fear. As I grow older, I realise, what I once feared, are just self-created barriers.

I've always felt caged up, somehow.

Deep down, I know I want to fly.

Now, I am prepared to take the leap of faith.

I believe if I actively seek for a chance... I will eventually get it.

I'm ready for more.

No more dilly-dallying. No more holding back.

I'm ready to take on the world. I have so much more to learn and give to this world.

Time to get my priorities right. Improve myself and learn new things like what I had planned to do after my wedding... and to stop wasting potential.